Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
