It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
