alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
