Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
