..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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