i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
