Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
