i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
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