Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
