Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
