it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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