They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
