Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
