I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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