I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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