she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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