My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Randomize
