We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
