Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
