pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Randomize
