The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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