his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
