So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I need to stop coming to work sober
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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