She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
