she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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