Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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