We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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