Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
