oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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