the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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