i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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