So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
