yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Randomize
