woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Randomize
