I just pynch a tree in the face
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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