better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
