i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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