Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
