i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
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