I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
