just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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