So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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