..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
