If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
