my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
