I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
