Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Sober January is a disaster.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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