my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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