I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
