Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Girls should come with a carfax report
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
