Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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