textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
