I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
