Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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