I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
