I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
You ruined the universe
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
